Confessions

by Brianna Charon '19

​I don’t know how to tell you
that I don't want you,
but I need you
to your face.
Because when I get close to you,
even if I have a script written out,
I become so enthralled by you
that I trip and stumble over my words,
and my mind is racing as the fire in my heart intensifies.

When I look into your eyes,
I can see my life with you so clearly.
I can see our bodies and souls entangled with each other
In a loving embrace on a couch,
with the crackling of a metal heater,
because I was too paranoid to start a fire.
And we whisper sweetly in each other's ears,
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
 
I can see it so clearly,
and I wish that instead of living in your eyes,
that I could reach in and take those foreseeable fantasies and make them a liveable experience,
for the both of us.
Together.
 
I don't want you,
I need you,
because when I am without you,
I cannot breathe without the oxygen that you provide with you're loving voice.
That voice that is ever so sweet and mimics the crisp, fresh, cold air on an astounding autumn day.
It hits me with such power and yet
It is so refreshing to step into
When you’re in the middle of thanksgiving dinner being cooked.
 
I do not want you
I need you
I don't date people to have a few months of my life wasted,
I date people I love because I want to spend my life with you.
I need to be with you,
because I'm afraid if someone else gets to you before I do,
then you'll forget everything we've said or done with each other
and my heart with be left as a husk of naive love to collect dust in the suppressed memory of our love.
 
But I can't have you.
 
Because every time I reach out to grab what I see in your eyes,
it backs away from me.
And no matter how many times I reach out,
you put in a few more steps between us,
and you're so close,
but just so far that my fingertips graze the fairytale I've made for the both of us.
 
But I can't stop.
No matter what I do
when I close my eyes,
I see yours looking back at me, sweetly.
Your eyes, 
they're like the most addictive narcotic
that I can't get enough of.
Those beautiful eyes,
those beautiful, gleaming, pools of honey that you possess.
They are just barely out of reach,
so tantalizingly close.
You’re so close that
It puts an ache in my heart
And a craving in my soul
That no amount of hugs or softly whispered “I love you’s” will ever quench my thirst for your undeniable love
 
I do not want you,
I need you.
And I can only hope,
that one day
that fantasia I desire in your steadfast eyes,
will be ours.
To live.
To experience. 
To love,
together.
One day, my dear,
it will be ours
and we may love each other with such a devotion that holds no bounds. 
One day.